What I Didn’t Know Seven Years Ago

Recently I saw a post from an old friend and roommate on Facebook who was celebrating seven years of marriage.  I reminded me that my own seven year anniversary coming up in a few weeks. (Thankfully I am remembering it).

I fondly remember and love a picture of my wife sitting on the edge of a flower planter in her wedding dress as I left to get my, just newly our, car.  She told me that she was tired, so as the new, young, dutiful husband that I was I left her sitting on the planter outside the LDS temple we were married in, and went to retrieve a ride.  Her uncle, our wedding photographer, snapped a picture of her.  I love that picture of my new bride.  However, at that point seven years ago, I didn’t understand what ‘tired’ ment when it came from her.  I wish I could find that picture to share with you.

I made her go to our reception.  In retrospect, it would have been better if we put the reception on a different day.  Seven years later, she still is upset that we had the reception because she was so tired the entire time.  Even without health problems, I hardly remember it, all she remembers is being emotionally and physically exhausted.

We just made a decision that has affected her health and energy again. (Physical energy to do stuff, not hippy aura energy)  Today, I am writing this while at church, and she is at home, resting because she is again tired.  Now, I am beginning to understand what ‘tired’ means from her.  I know more about what she needs and how I need to respond.  And it makes me appreciate every little thing that she does for me and our family.

Examples

On Sunday Mornings I enjoy watching the weekly broadcast of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir called, ‘Music and the Spoken Word’.  For those of you who aren’t familiar with the program, it consists of a number of choir performances, often an organ solo, and the ‘spoken word’, a short spiritual message about being a better person.

Being Fathers Day, they focused on Fatherhood.  The message today started with a story about a father who came home from work to discover that his wife was feeling under the weather. (Sound familiar?)  He proceeded to get the children occupied, drew his wife a bath, and took his kids out for a walk.  A few days later he witnessed one of his children helping out their mother, and the child remarked that they were, ‘being like daddy’.

Whichever spouse you are, you are an example to you children.  The type of person your children will become is largely learned from watching you.  Christ told his disciples, “What manner of men ought ye to be? Verily I say unto you, even as I am.” As we work to serve our families, the example will be soaked in and your children will be the better for it.

What Do We Put On Our Plates?

I don’t know you or what job you have, but I have to have so many hours of training for my job.  One of the training classes we were given this last week covered nutrition.  I guess with my high stress and mobile job they want to make sure we are eating more than gas station hot dogs and drive through tacos.

The instructor handed out paper plates and had us draw what we thought a healthy balanced meal should be ideally.  On the other side we drew what we usually ate.  For most of us, the actual was very different than what the ideal is to be healthy and balanced.

In our lives, what do we put on our plate?  This time I am not talking about the correct portions of meat, starch and veggies.  What activities, work assignments, family obligations and free time do we put ‘on our plates’?  Are we too heavy on one thing, which might be good, but when it displaces other important things it can be a problem.  Those of us with a chronically ill spouse, our priorities can get skewed easily.  Do we spend too much time at home to serve our family and let the job suffer? Or flip that and have too much time at work, which we might do because of medical bills or saving for family vacation, but missing the time with our family might not be worth it.

Unlike my nutrition class, I cannot give you an answer of what the correct balanced life is.  But I will encourage you to find out.  We have extra resources called family, trusted coworkers and supervisors, and friends who can see us from the outside and can pass on what they notice about us. Their shared opinions can help us realign our priorities, balence what is on our plates, to help us live balenced and fulfilling lives.

Procrastination

Wow am I guilty of this! Too long. How often do we procrastinate doing the things we want do do with our significant others due to their disease? While at times it is needed, do we have the ability to be creative and change our plans to get the task done.

In the military, the phrase “Adapt and Overcome,” is probably overused, but it is a lesson that we can apply to our families when dealing with chronic illness.

Last night we had an opportunity to ‘adapt and overcome’ a situation ourselves. We had been planing a date, and had asked my in laws to come over to watch our daughter while we would go catch a movie.

However, fatigue set in, chores needed to be completed, the house cleaned in anticipation of upcoming guests, and my in laws were running late. So we created a working ‘Netflix and Clean’ date while we enjoyied old episodes of a tv show we liked growing up, folded and ironed laundry, tityied up the living room and got things ready for Sunday dinner. At the end we cuddled a bit on the couch, and went to bed.

While not as exciting as catching a new movie or having fun at the drive in, we still accomplished our goal of growing closer as a couple. Remember, ‘adapt and overcome.’

Tired, Sore Back, Chapped Lips=Worth It

Wow!  A few months ago I was asked by my church to be an assistant Scoutmaster for my congregations scout troop.  I am over the ‘New Scout’ patrol consisting of the 11 year olds that just joined the troop from cub scouts.  My wife is my assistant leader, I love it, she loves that I love it.

This last weekend, I went with my troop to our local districts ‘Klondike’ campout.  It was my first campout as a scout leader, and the first scout campout for my patrol.  It was the first campout for most of them without family, and maybe their first cold weather campout.

My wife, while a bit bummed to deal with our kid alone for the weekend, was more than happy to get rid of me for the weekend.  I had a warm enough sleeping bag, and a decent sleeping pad, and plenty of good clothing for the trip.  I did not get enough sleep due to the scouts getting rowdy at 3:00 am.  It took two of us yelling at them to quiet down before I could get back to sleep.  I got slightly sunburnt, chapped lips, and my back is sore from sleeping on the ground, but it was worth it to see my scouts compete against other troops and patrols, and do very well.

Anyway, there are many things in life that take our time outside of what we planned to do, our career.  But they are worth doing, and make life more enjoyable along the way.

 

Happy Morning

Yesterday was a Saturday.  It was a wonderful, relaxing day, and I woke the best way. Before I share how I woke, let me explain how most mornings go.  Most mornings I get up, use the toilet, then free my toddler from her tenure in solitary confinementand see to her needs including emptying her training toilet, getting her breakfast or turning on a cartoon, aka a ‘movie’.  In between, her events, I try to squeeze in preparing my own breakfast, caring for pets and any other task that demands my attention a particular morning.

But not that Saturday morning.  My wife heard knocking from the inside of our daughter’s room and responded with uninterrupted vigor usually unknown to our abode at such an hour.  As she freed the tiny blonde prisoner, she was greeted by a small, “Good morning mommy!”  I for a change, stayed in bed, and from my vantage point, could stare directly down the hall to my daughter’s room and watched the two ladies I love start their day together.  And as I did, I poured out my heart to the creator of all and told Him, “Thank you for this moment and for my wonderful tiny family. While I wish to make our family larger, if this is all that I get to have then So be it because this is true happiness.”

What I Learned About my Family From Star Wars

Last Saturday, I was spending the morning getting ready for a short trip to visit family for the weekend.  As I was running around the house, my daughter told me that she wanted to watch a movie.  As a three year old, a movie is anything that is on the tv, usually a cartoon.  I asked her which cartoon she wanted to watch, thinking that I would hear one of her usual favorites.  Instead, she brought over my DVD of Star Wars, and said in her excited little voice, ‘Star Wars, it’s your favorite!’  Of course, it sounded more like, ‘Sta Waas, it’s yo faberite!’ which only made it even cuter.

I put it on, and tried to get back to getting ready for the trip.  But everywhere I went, she followed.  Normally, if she picks a ‘movie’, she is hooked to the tv, if at least for a few minutes and allows us some time to do some work.  I kept returning to the living room, hoping that something on the screen would catch and keep her attention.  After about half an hour of being followed by a cute little shadow, I was ‘asked’ to make some popcorn, because we were watching a movie and needed it, according to my little blonde friend.  After she helped me ‘make popcorn’, which she did rather well with, she kept asking questions like, ‘Who’s that?’  I had to answer, ‘That’s C-3PO,’ ‘R2-D2’ ‘Luke’ ‘Obi-Wan’ and then repeat that every time that character left the screen and returned.

Hoping again I could slip away and complete my self assigned duties, I left the room, only to have what can only be described at the cutest ball and chain stick with me.  I asked her why didn’t she want to watch the movie?  Her answer- ‘I want to watch the movie with you!’  Then it dawned on me, she didn’t want some moving pictures on a screen for her entertainment.  She wanted to spend time with her daddy.  She picked my favorite movie not for her, but for me.  My heart melted with sorrow.  I had spent so much time trying to get away from her while she just wanted to be with me.  It didn’t matter what we were watching or doing, she just wanted quality time with me.

When my wife has low spoon days, and spends them in bed, I do my best to keep our daughter occupied.  However, sometimes my daughter asks for her mom.  I carry her to my room and we find my wife in bed in one state of wakefulness or another.  Sometimes their quality time is just my two girls sitting on the bed, sharing stories in mixed English and toddler pigeon babble.  But we have it, low spoons or busy day.

Energy Healing or The Power of the Mind

Recently, my wife and her family have been getting involved in a few forms of ‘energy healing’.  I know, you’re thinking, ‘What happened with the diet?’  Well, I lost 25 lbs and three inches on my waist and she lost 15 lbs. So it was great, but she needed more.

Energy Healing is focusing your body’s energy to tie into the energy of another person to cause healing and realignment.  Sounds like mumbo jumbo right?  My wife has found two systems that work for her.  One is Body Code, which she feels is helping her discover the foods that hurt her body and contribute to her CFS symptoms.  The other she found is called Quantum Touch, which is using your body’s energy field to tell another’s body’s energy field how to heal.

My wife feels that she is experiencing healing and a better quality of life through using these ‘treatments.’  I have decided to remain impartial, and let her also practice things on me.

While science would go to disprove such things, there are many ancient cultures and peoples who had what seemed to be mystical healings that worked somehow.  Many say that it is just a physical/mystical version of the Placebo Effect.  If you don’t know, a placebo is a sugar pill, a fake, used to trick the mind into healing the body.  Some say that this shows that the mind has a greater control over the body than we thought, allowing it to heal at times even without medicine.  Others say the mind just believes it is better and blocks out signs of pain or problems, a self form of normalcy bias.

At the moment, I can’t say whether it works or not.  And since CFS isn’t a completely understood medical issue, could its cure, or part of its cure, come from the mind, or energy healing actually help heal my wife? And even if she isn’t healing, but feels better and can enjoy a better quality of life, who am I to say that some unquantifiable energy isn’t making her better.  My wife is able to spend time with her family, help me around the house, and be happy again.

Sick and wet floors

So, a wonderful in law left a little gift when they were over the other day, just a little cold that has taken the whole family.  And, it hit the same week that we are potty training our daughter.  While mess’ are inconvenient, they are down right unfun when you feel like making a mess yourself.

Anyway, thank you all for reading.  Before the yuck settled in, we made the three hour drive to the city to watch my sister in law perform in a community theater production of ‘Miracle on 34 th Street’.  It was good, and so was the philly cheese sandwich I had for dinner and cheated on my diet with. (Don’t tell my wife, just kidding, she had a meatball). My daughter got to enjoy time with my parents who live in the area, and my dad got to cheat on his gluten free diet by “sharing” an ice cream sandwich with her, which is usually him eating the whole thing and she enjoying maybe a bite.

Law of the Harvest

I know many are shocked by the recent turning of events regarding the entitlement of America’s young adults.  As I consider returning to my university studies, I am worried about how some of my classmates might act and I can react positively if I have a civil conversation with one.  I have to things I want every young person in my country should know.

One: The Law of the Harvest.  In simplest terms, you eat the food you plant and grow.  Seeds can’t grow if you don’t plant them,  and fireplaces  don’t give heat before you put in wood.  There are things that must happen in order in life, and the first thing is work, then comes the reward.

Two: Cats aren’t worth it.  Just kidding.  This one is simple.  No one can offend you.  Being offended is a choice on your part, and I chose to not be offended.  I don’t need a safe zone, or to threaten professors or administrators who say things that don’t fit my personal paradigm.

I am a thirty year old with a wife who has a chronic illness, a daughter who he loves, two less than part time jobs that both can be concidered ‘independent contractor’, and I am going back to college while being a husband, father, scout leader, business owner, and debt free.  Toughen up buttercup. One of us is a locomotive powering ahead on its own power, the other I just coasting downhill, and your hill isn’t very steep.