While CFS has defiantly affected how and when we do many physical things, it has helped Kay and I improve our communication skill with each other. How Kay and I could talk was one of the things that make me fall in love with her. We were just so open with each other, talking in the car late into the night. (Nothing hanky panky going on in that car late at night, I promise.) Finding tools like the spoons theory also has helped, allowing me to understand how she feels and what she can do that day.
However, sometimes the problem is not what we say, but how we say it. Kay and I recently had a conversation about one tone of voice I was using. It wasn’t harsh, but she would be frustrated with something and I would say in a soft voice, “It’s ok.” She felt I was being condensending. What I thought was a frustrated tone was a joking/sarcastic tone. Oops. This is five and a half years into marriage, people. Thankfully, we talked about it and solved that problem. There have been other things over the years, but this isn’t a ‘happy, look how perfect we are’ type blog. This is about problems and solutions.
There are you important words that both of us need to say sometimes. They are, “I’m sorry,” with feeling and conviction. She says it after being low on spoons and acting cranky. I say it when I say something with the wrong tone or make her do something when she is low on spoons, which makes her cranky. I worked in a shop where some of the guys were macho and said things like, “Never say you’re sorry.” Well guys, real men say “I’m sorry,” when it needs to be said.
Because she doesn’t look sick, it is hard to tell when she feels down, and I am stating to read Kay’s non verbal communication and tell when she is low on spoons, or needs a break. Sadly I can’t tell yet when she is turned on. However, that’s when verbal communication comes back in. 🙂
Supporting A CFS Spouse 